Sex and the Married Man

Sex and the Married Man

(Or Woman)

Michael Graeme

Before going any further the author admits to complete ignorance in all of the following, and that throughout his life his relations with the fairer sex have always been more a matter of luck, good or ill, than wise management.

Keeping it together

Relationships that fail to meet a partner's basic needs are more vulnerable to falling apart than relationships in which both partners are fulfilled. This seems an obvious thing to say, yet all too often partners find their once loving relationships disintegrating before their eyes and they can't understand where it went wrong. We blame the pressures of living in a modern society, we blame our children for wearing us out with their whining, we blame our jobs for the time and energy they demand of us, indeed we're ready to blame just about anything except ourselves.

    We fail to see that perhaps we simply weren't attentive enough to our partner's needs. This is not to say we're all selfish and inconsiderate, but that it's more likely we simply don't know what we're doing, or rather not doing, until it's too late. Meeting the needs of our partner is essential, otherwise, consciously or unconsciously, our partners become vulnerable and might just be tempted to satisfy their neglected needs in the company of others. Once this happens a relationship is in trouble: it stagnates, becomes pointless, or worse - it can become poisonous.

A woman's needs

A woman's primary need in a relationship is for affection. Men find it surprising, the extent to which a little affection can make a woman feel secure both in herself and in her relationship. It might sound old fashioned, perhaps even a little patronising, to suggest that in a world where women are abandoning what were seen as traditional roles and are wearing the trousers as much as men, that affection might still provide for them an important source of emotional well-being. But studies have shown that for a woman, affection tells her that what she is doing, the way she looks, the way she is, is appreciated and valued. When a man shows his woman affection, he's saying he will take care of her, that he is aware of and sympathetic to the problems she faces, and that he thinks she's doing the right thing, that he approves of her, that he is proud of her. This makes a woman feel confident in herself, and a confident woman makes for an attractive, happy, and eager lover.

   Affection can be conveyed in surprisingly simple ways but men are all too often neglectful because they are insensitive to its significance and its subtle nuances. A spontaneous hug and a kiss can work wonders, but also the familiar and rather corny devices like cards, flowers, evenings out - they all have an effect on women far beyond any significance that men might attach to them. Even opening the car door can work wonders,… and the more spontaneous and sincere these gesture are of course the better. Each of these little affirmations, though they might seem trivial on their own, form the individual stitches that hold together a woman's relationship with a man.

A woman's second great need is conversation. She really needs her man to both talk to and listen to her. Women are great communicators and what men fail to appreciate is that it is not always the things that are said that are important in a conversation, but simply that the conversation takes place - that what is conveyed by the art of conversation is often much more than the information contained in the words that are spoken. Above all, through regular and easy-going conversation, a woman feels secure in the knowledge that she has an open line of communication with her man whenever she needs it. Men who understand this, and work on it, will find their women far more appreciative and attentive to their needs than men who are by habit uncommunicative.

The third need is openness and honesty. A woman needs to trust her man completely. If a man cannot provide his woman with a clear line of communication, if he cannot be honest, if he's guarded about what he gets up to when she's not around, if he becomes evasive and changes the subject when she's curious about him, she will naturally begin to feel insecure. Even if a woman does not entirely approve of her man's activities, or his friends, she can still make room and adjust herself to them, provided she feels she knows everything there is to know, and can base her relationship on solid information. If she can't do this, then she is denied her foundation and she will always feel off balance. Then, instead of growing closer to her man, she will begin to open up a distance, if only for her own protection.

A woman's fourth need is financial security. She needs to feel she has enough money to get by and for this she needs the financial support of her man. Once again, this might sound old fashioned in a world where women have as much opportunity of carving out a successful career for themselves as men. It's also quite possible that in a relationship the woman may be by far the better paid, but she will still want her husband to earn enough money so that she knows she is financially secure, should she need to give her career up and stay at home - be it to have a family, or just take time out from an insane world. It doesn't matter what the man is earning nor how high or low powered his work is, so long as he can show his woman that he is committed to earning money in order to safeguard their basic financial needs and their future together.

A woman's fifth need is that her man demonstrates family commitment. In short a woman needs her man to show that he can be a good father. The majority of women who choose to get married or enter into partnership with a man have an overwhelming urge to create a home and have children. It's natural then that they will want their men to take an active role in the family and to show that they are committed to the best possible upbringing for their children. The worst thing a man can do is be neglectful of his children's needs, direct them to their mother every time they start to whine, and generally show no interest in them. On the other hand, for a woman to see her man enjoying time with his children, playing with them, hearing them read after school, reading to them in bed of a night before tucking them up, and generally being as attentive to their needs as she is, makes her feel secure in her relationship with him. She will also see it as an affirmation of the course she has chosen.

A Man's Needs

Just as most men do not understand the fundamental importance of a woman's need for affection, most women completely underestimate a man's fundamental need for sex - either that or they just make fun of it. A man needs his woman to be a ready and willing lover. He needs to make love as often as is humanly possible and he needs his lover to take an active and enthusiastic role in their lovemaking. He also needs her to take the lead in suggesting sex and in directing its course as often as he does, or a man may begin to feel that the sexual demands he is making of his woman are somehow unwelcome or one-sided.

    It is when making love that a man is at his most vulnerable and he can be easily hurt. Any hint of reluctance on the woman's part will cause the man to become cautious and defensive in his relations with her. While a woman can go for long periods without thinking of sex, a normal healthy man cannot and he generally thinks about it all the time. The worst thing a woman can do then is make him feel that this natural side of his nature is in any way inconvenient, undesirable, unhealthy or tiresome to her. For a man to feel that he is somehow pestering his woman for sex, or that she is only doing it to please him is very humiliating and will shatter his self esteem.

The second need for a man is that his woman should be a willing playmate (we're not talking about sex now). This might come as a surprise to women but for a woman to join her man in the pursuit of his recreational interests provides, for him, an affirmation that his interests are of value. More than this, by becoming a willing partner in her man's interests, a man is reassured that his woman is serious about getting to know him and what it is that makes him tick. Thus women might find themselves taking part in many a traditionally male pursuit such as fishing, going to football matches, hiking, playing golf, or even reading the books and watching the movies that they might not have chosen on their own, had their men not been interested in these things.

    A man's interests and hobbies are very important to him and a woman should make an effort to take an active and supporting role in them, no matter how eccentric they might seem to her. Unfortunately many women are reluctant to do this, and instead try to interest their men in things that are more to their own liking. When this doesn't work, they might try to be magnanimous and rather than pestering their men to give up their interests they encourage them to go off and pursue them alone - allowing them "off the leash" to go and play their golf, or watch their football, or go hiking alone or with friends. But this is a dangerous thing for a partnership, because of the importance men place on having their wives or partners as playmates. To be denied their involvement is very disappointing for a man. Among all the his basic needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex.

A man's third need is for an attractive partner. This might sound shallow but it's a fact that a man needs a woman who looks good to him. When it comes to a sexual relationship most men really do find it impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone, especially if he finds the thought of making love to her repellent. A man's need for physical attractiveness in a woman is fundamental, though what an individual man finds attractive of course will vary. Contrary to popular belief a woman does not have to look like a 19 year old fashion model for a man to find her attractive, and provided she scrubs up well, presents a confident, attractive demeanor, and takes care of herself, there's no reason why any woman will not find a man who truly desires her, whatever her size and shape. A woman must therefore recognise the value her man originally placed on her physical attractiveness, and as much as possible avoid letting herself go to ruin once she's got the ring on her finger.

The fourth need for a man is harmony in the home. He needs to feel that he can go home to find an oasis of calm. No matter how unfeasible it might be in a busy modern household, a man wants his woman to greet greet him lovingly at the door, lead him to his armchair and present him with his pipe and slippers. She will not immediately trouble him with the trials and tribulations of her own day, but will bite her tongue and instead massage away his stresses, before presenting him with a delicious evening meal. Likewise a man's children will be well behaved and respectful towards him, they will be pleased to see him, and careful not to begin nagging him for permission to stay up late or to go shopping for stuff at the weekend - any hint of this and a man's wife will promptly see them off.
   I'm sure a lot of women will laugh out loud at this unlikely picture of 1950's, male chauvinist domestic bliss, but it is an abiding theme in the fantasies of men and therefore, like it or not girls, it is important. A man loves the thought of a woman quietly taking care of the background details of his life, and safeguarding that harmonious refuge he calls home. To some extent then all men need their women to become their mothers and they want women to understand that fact without making a terrible fuss about it or calling men rude names over it. Similarly, like their insatiable need for sex, men should be allowed to accept their need for such affectionate mothering as natural, without being made to feel embarrassed or inferior about it.

The fifth need of a man is admiration. Just as a woman desires affection, a man needs to feel that his woman is proud of him. Women must tell their men of the admiration they feel rather than pressure them towards ever greater ambition. Simple and sincere admiration is a great motivator. When a woman tells her man he's wonderful, he will be inspired to achieve more. If on the other hand she tells him he should be chasing a better paid job, or looking to gain more responsibility, or that he's a lightweight and a loser, he's going to feel that his current place in life is somehow unsatisfactory, that his woman does not approve of it, and consequently does not approve of him.

   It is the ultimate demotivator for a man to feel that his woman thinks he's useless, or lazy. Similarly criticising a man for his needs, his beliefs, or his interests isn't going to make him feel admired much either - instead he'll wonder if he's really stupid or weird or generally unable to measure up. When children are made to feel like this through bad parenting, they go off the rails and will respond positively to any ne-er-do-well they chance to meet who subsequently makes a show of appreciating them. Men are the same. If it's obvious to a man that a woman admires him, he'll want to show her affection in return and he'll be eager to have sex with her - whether that woman is his wife or not.

Summing up

Is it really as simple as that? Well, of course it's not. In truth all the needs that are listed above are important to both men and women, it's just that the priorities are very different between the sexes and sometimes mutually exclusive. For example a man's pressing sexual needs are unlikely to be met sympathetically if he's not shown his woman any signs of affection for the past decade of their relationship. And while on the subject of sex, contrary to some negative male beliefs, most healthy women really do enjoy it - they just don't need it as often, or rate it as being quite so vital to their well-being as men do. Also, like men, women would find it difficult to have sex with a partner they found physically repugnant, but are more able than a man to forgive any physical shortcomings if there is an attractive personality underneath the Neanderthal shell - preferably one that's able to show her some genuine affection - which is perhaps why the most beautiful girls at school always seemed to settle for the most revolting guys. On the subject of domestic bliss, women also like their homes to be neat and tranquil and would expect a man to play an equal part in the effort to keep it that way, instead of just sitting around and letting her get on with all the chores. And finally it's no use a man sulking because his partner won't go to football matches with him if he always pulls a face when she wants him to go shopping with her, or he's unable to sit through the occasional Chick Flick without smirking and blowing raspberries.

So, the best way of ensuring an abiding and fulfilling relationship is to be aware of your partner's often unspoken needs, and to be sensitive to just how much your neglect of them might be damaging. Unfortunately, no matter how much a man and a woman love each, other time has a habit of breeding contempt through familiarity - we start to take certain things for granted. If we're not careful we can reach a stage where we look at our partners and wonder why they have become cold and apparently indifferent to our needs. We say they've changed, or they don't understand us, or they don't love us any more. We begin to feel lonely in our relationships, looking upon our partners as strangers - or worse: the women turn into fishwives and scolding harpies, and the men become insensitive and neglectful boors.

An intimate partnership is never going to be the same from one day to the next. Every day is a new day and the basic needs of any loving relationship must go on being met if lovers are not to suffer the ultimate tragedy of looking back and realising how much they have grown apart.

Acknowledgments:

Willard F Harley for his book: "His Needs Her Needs - building an affair proof marriage."

And my wife,... for being my wife.

Index

m_graeme@yahoo.co.uk